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all that unpublished stuff

i just checked and found out that i have about 20 unpublished entries, most of them halfway done. Don’t think im going to ever finish or publish them cos they are mostly er, highly impulsive and controversial stuff..

Anyway, prelims are almost over, i just have one paper left on monday. I don’t think i was as prepared as i wanted to, but i guess i gave it all i could with the time i had. I probably could have started a little earlier, but i was really unsettled about certain stuff so i couldn’t concentrate. I went over to my aunt’s place at exotic pasir ris to study the week prior to exams and i think time spent there was quite productive… but really really really really boring..

Well, the original plan was to go into ’seclusion’ at her place for the one month of study break i’ll have, but i don’t know whether it’ll be a good idea cos i think i might go crazy there. Sure, it’s productive and all but im not sure one month of staring at my notes is going to do me any good. Plus im going to be away from the civilisation a.k.a jurong west, haha. Being at pasir ris means i have my breakfast, lunch, dinner ALONE and staying at home ALONE the whole day. Oh man.. even my inner anti social self isn’t sure whether i can take all that solitude without going insane…

That said, it’s a levels, so i guess we’re all meant to go crazy.

i actually think i know people like that...

the end of a chapter

MUSE – A Night to Remember 2009

Truly a night i’ll remember. The whole experience was something special. Words can’t express how much that night means to me, I think i’ll never forget what it felt like playing on stage. Perhaps it was the awesome music, perhaps it was the people around me, i’ll probably never figure it out. All i can say is, it was a good closure to my time here in ACJC Band.

I’ve been thinking about the day i step down from band for quite some time already. Even after all that mental prep, i could never prepare myself enough for the day. I told myself i wouldn’t get emotional, but i did. I told myself that I could leave the band without worry, but couldn’t. There still seemed to be much more i could do, more i could contribute, but i guess it’s too late now.

I do not doubt the ability of my juniors to be able to keep the band strong and going, but i worry for them and all that is to come. I guess it’s because I’ve been through the whole system and how things work, i know how frustrating things can get sometimes. I just pray that God will see them through whatever problems and obstacles they encounter, and that they are able to remain strong and united. I like the simplicity of things now, the innocence and all that happiness that stems from just being around each other. It pains me to know that they are going to be introduced to a whole new world. Yet, a part of me thinks that these kids are going to come out stronger than before. I’ve seen them grow into the awesome people they are now, and i hope that they will continue to grow even more as they step up and become seniors of their own.

To my J1s, i pray for all of you to stay united in the coming year. I pray that you guys will use the strong bonds that all of you have to your advantage, to use it to overcome any difficulty and struggles you encounter. Know that your seniors will always be there for you. You guys have something special going on, don’t let people take that away from you. I will always be looking on from the side and praying for all of you. May the year ahead be one of excitement and anticipation for all of you.

It has indeed been a difficult year, especially so for the J2s. For all that we’ve been through together and for the numerous ‘talks’ we had as a batch, i have never regretted being in the batch of 09. Perhaps there were many things lacking and other stuff we could have done better, but so what? We survived a year being seniors, worked hard together towards our concerts and SYF. We were blessed with wonderful juniors, helped them settled in and managed to leave a lasting legacy and big shoes for them to fill. Other people may think otherwise of us, but for all it’s worth, i think we did quite an impressive job with the band.

To the J2s, i pray that all of you continue to keep the AC Band spirit alive and well in your hearts. As we now shift our focus towards the A levels, i pray that we all remain healthy for the coming months and that we are able to achieve our set goals for our exams. It’s going to be a tough period of time ahead of us, and i pray that God will see all of us through. I thank all of you for the wonderful memories that you guys have given me. I will cherish and never forget them.

If God ever asks me whether i would want to do this all over again, i would not hesitate and say yes. If He asks me whether i would want to change anything, i would ask for everything to remain the same.

To ACJC Band,

I love you all

-Alson-

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reality sets in

well, camp’s over.

it didn’t matter that i had less than 2 hours of sleep, that i had to mop and clean up the school at 3am in the morning. This isn’t about me, it’s about them.

breaking camp was difficult today, i don’t know why also. The lack of sleep probably contributed to me being unable to express what i wanted to say clearly. I didn’t exactly get why i was so overwhelmed with emotions at that moment, but i guess the handover and ending of camp signifies the coming end of my term, of my journey here in the band. What a year it has been..

more thoughts soon, need sleep

flying kites

i figured i should post something cos my previous one was quite depressing. Anyway, i have somewhat gotten over the whole thing so i suppose that’s good.
Time really flies, i’m nearing the end of my term and i’ll soon be burying myself in books all day long. Seeing how the band has grown both musically and mentally has led me to think about the day i officially step down from my duties. What will be the fondest memory of my life in acjc band? When was my proudest moment? What will i take out of this entire journey?

It has truly been a roller coaster ride; ups and downs, challenges and obstacles, people and relationships, joy and sorrow. Personally, my greatest growth has been being able to be more sensitive towards people. It has never occurred to me how much sacrifice there has to be made in order for a team to grow and excel. I may not have enjoyed every single moment of my time, but for every stressful and annoying moment i had, there has always been an uplifting one too.

I’m starting to sound like i have left the band or something. There’s still one more month, many more things to do: interviews,camp,muse. God spoke to me last night about something; it doesn’t matter whether it’s one month or one year, it’s about making the best out of the time i have left.

He doesn’t think it’s too late to do anything…

watershed moment

I never expected myself to get emotional over this

I never realised how much this means to me

the significant moments of my life are ones i cherish the most, 6th May 2009 will definitely be a day i’ll never forget.

the last time i cried was coming to terms with the possibility that my father would never wake up, and yesterday i cried after coming out of that hall.

i don’t think i’ll ever find out what came over me that day; why did i get so emotional over coming in a bar earlier. I’ve made mistakes before during performances and competitions, why did this particular one mean so much to me?

i didn’t cry because we didn’t get our honours,

i cried knowing i didnt perform the best i could, i cried because i had let myself down, i cried because i disappointed people who were counting on me. i cried because i know this was one of the final moments i had left in the band…

i cried because i truly cared

‘God grant me the serenity to accept things i cannot change, the courage to change the things i can, and the wisdom to know the difference’

i cannot change the way things turn out, but i can change my perception of things to come.

lost time

it has been a really long time since i’ve been here, which is a good thing in some sense because i think i mentioned before that i only post when things get a little complicated in my life…

that said, these few months have been really really draining. I find that i have lesser time to do things i like, and im getting tired very easily. I rarely reach home before 9pm every other day and my life currently revolves around 25 dover close east. I spend more time in school than at home and  more time with friends than with my family. I only found out about the problems my mom had with her foot 1 week after she had an x-ray. I feel bad about not being able to spend more time with my family, about not being able to bring my mom to the doctor and not being there with her when she had her x-ray. I know the day will come when i regret not being able to do these things…

I had this talk with jeann about my family. Some way or another, i think i just needed to share with someone the things i’ve been bottling up within myself these couple of years. It isn’t about offering solutions and advice, its about listening and me knowing that someone cares enough to hear me out. I dont really know what made me talk to her about these very personal matters, but i think its the fact that i don’t feel like im being judged around her. I dont think its the quantity but the quality of time that you spend with a person that matters the most. There has certainly been lots of quality time spent these few weeks, i like them

3 months it has been, things have been moving really fast. Term exams, muse, syf, muse – a time to remember, prelims, a levels, that pretty much sums up what’s left of my life in acjc. I cant really sort out when i really want sometimes, i will probably miss this in the future, but now i just want to have a break from everything. I need strength, i need courage and i need my real life back…

‘But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint’

Isaiah 40:31

a tribute

2008 was a hell of an experience; o level results, Acjc, Heian, 1aa4, band, Switzerland, promos..

I think 2008 was a roller coaster ride for me, i’ve gained and lost but ultimately, i have grown mentally to make tough decisions in my life. I entered acjc with much enthusiasm, only to see most of the hopes and resolutions i had for the year dashed because circumstances forbade. Yet, i have managed to survive a year of intense competition, stress and the occasional backstabbing.

Being a relatively sheltered boy living a comfortable life throughout primary and secondary school days, I never had to deal with so much politics in my life before coming to acjc. Entering this whole new environment and taking on these new challenges did drain much of my spirit and energy, which occasionally led me to think why was i even putting myself in these situations in the first place. Looking back, it was mainly due to this whole conflict between doing what i wanted and doing what was wanted of me that caused much of the problems. A few bumps and bruises down the road, i think i have learnt to retain what’s left of my inner self and yet do what is expected of me because of who i am. Its been tough, but wonderful friends i have have been keeping me sane throughout the year. People like Ken and Shermaine who i constantly complain and whine to and great section mates like Percy, Zachary and YanShan have kept me from wanting to throw in the towel. Life in Acjc would have been much more difficult if weren’t for them.

Therefore, this post is a dedication and tribute to these special people;

I am truly thankful to have friends like you guys.

Heian, 1AA4,

Have a blessed New Year.

balancing act

Its been a while…

Exams have long ended, holidays are about halfway through and I am about to enter my final year as a jc student. Things have indeed been moving at a fast pace, and i think i have learn lots within these short months. I don’t know, i think jc does teach you lots of things about life; who says jc kids are sheltered huh?

Over here, i’ve been exposed to the realities of how things work. Its been quite scary honestly, how, in the word’s of Heidi Klum, ‘One day you’re in, and the next you’re out.’ The whole social hierachy here is rather annoying in that sense. However,  i have to admit I’m a contributor to the state of matters now; Its karma. Back when i could do whatever i wanted to, i just did whatever i liked without thinking of its implications. Now, at the point where i am bounded by duty to be mindful, i am faced with the very problems i am partly responsible for creating. how ironic

Still, i do not get how things have to be so complicated, or rather, exaggerated. Matters always seem to be blown out of proportion, and its really really annoying. Personally, it is not something i believe in, but it is what i have to believe in. We are all bounded by circumstances to conform to certain ways of thinking and doing things, so much so it turns you into something you’re not.

On that note, i think I’m starting to have very different personas. It is good in the sense that i am able to ensure i do not mix personal interest in work related matters, yet at the same time i think I’m losing my true self to this whole personality i am taking on. Its frustrating, really, how sometimes I’m confused as to what i truly stand for and believe in. its like losing my identity altogether

Currently, i think the only thing that is keeping me from losing it is how i am still able to be myself in front of certain people. Im very thankful that in their presence, i do not have to pretend that i am someone I am not. Im grateful that in my hour of uncertainty and need, i can count on them to ensure i retain what is left of me; my very much opinionated and judgmental self that defines me as a individual.

I’m talking in riddles, i know. Honestly, i wish i can just be true to myself, yet i know i am bounded by my duty to be discreet.

People use your weakness against you

Been there, done that…