it’s no longer cool to blog

Yes, it’s no longer cool to blog. Or rather, people have moved on to other things, so here I am breathing life into this place. It’s been a long time since i’ve written anything or even visited this place. Lucky for me wordpress doesn’t exactly delete inactive accounts, so I had the pleasure of reading through my old posts all the way from my days at blogspot, before I moved everything here. Basically, there’s an archive of everything I have ever written(published and not published) and every comment i have ever received.. It felt a little strange reading through my old postings… Gave me a little insight of how much my perspectives have changed over the years and what 14 – 18 year old me was feeling. Honestly, it isn’t that long ago, but the changes seem rather significant to say the least. I don’t know, maybe I can rediscover something about myself from the past couple of years…

In any case, here I am. It’s more than halfway through the year 2011, and I am more than halfway through national service. Oh and I have been in Thailand for almost a year now.. As I count down towards the one year anniversary of my time here, I’m also preparing to leave this place permanently in November.

It’s been a bittersweet experience, maybe more bitter than sweet. Thailand is truly an amazing place, rich in culture and a place where you’ll meet all sorts of people from all sorts of background. Granted it’s politics are dysfunctional, but there’s a beauty to all the chaos here. I told a friend about my whole ‘beauty in chaos’ concept and he basically laughed it off. How could someone, he said, find this place appealing enough to want to remain here long term? He is right; to uproot myself and live here permanently will not likely happen any time soon, but there is that strange appeal that Thailand has compared to Singapore. Sure, Singapore is safe, clean, has a ‘world class’ this and a ‘first world’ that, but it lacks that spontaneity that a place like Thailand has to offer. The Thais have an indomitable spirit that does not break in spite of all the problems that plaque their country. People I’ve met here are incredibly resilient despite the circumstances…

Yet for all it’s character, I understand that this place is not for everyone, especially not the Singaporeans I know.. Even I don’t think I can handle staying here for a long time, a year or two is good enough for me. I do miss Singapore and all my family and friends. As I’ve said, I am and will always be an outsider here.

I have had the opportunity to see so many things here, to experience things that I would have never been able to do in Singapore. For all the talk about Thais being a conservative bunch(at least their government thinks so), the Thai people are surprisingly liberal in so many ways. Whatever that means is entirely up to your imagination, haha…

So, beyond the ‘trying too hard to be analytical about this place’ portion of my writing, I guess writing about my personal experience here will help better illustrate what I have been blabbering about for the better half of this post.

Alas, I am tired *cue groans and Alson is wasting my time’, so I’ll leave things as they are now.. Maybe I’ll actually start writing regularly, maybe this is but another of my fleeting moments of rants and random musings. In any case, it actually feels nice to get all these out of my very oppressed mind, haha…

Whoever is actually reading this, please mind my lack of coherent thought structure and actual content. It’s really late and I am really tired. Despite being a very public domain on a very accessible Internet, I am claiming all rights to privacy and freedom to express myself in any way I want. I don’t care if that’s an oxymoron there and I certainly don’t need idiots to point that out to me. Essentially, what I am trying to say is that if I do reveal anything here in subsequent posts, it is very much my sole business and none of yours. I appreciate concern and feedback, not hypocritical, self righteous statements about my actions. If you have the tendency to do or express such things, please leave right away and never come back.

2010(Part 1)

well, it’s the new year and i figured it’s time i updated, or at least one last time before i enlist, in 2 days.

Just like that, jc life is over for me. Looking back, everything still seems to be a blur. It feels like just yesterday i entered the gates of acjc going for my first practice. I remember it was 1 day after my o levels ended( YES JUST ONE DAY) when manfred called me to go join acjc for practice. I have vague impressions of what happened that day, i just remembered meeting the section, seeing this white china woman looking girl in green pinafore(which turned out to be shermaine tan haha).

anyway, fast forward to the new school term. Orientation was probably the most fun i had in school, being in Heian, my awesome ogls shawn, pris and donica and the meeting crazy people like ken, jade, grace, angella, sau chiu, chor hao blah blah blah. Going for OG outings were the only reason i was coming to school, and i didnt have to really bother about school work and lectures.

PAE 1AA4 was a rather loud class, i met the drama people there, we didnt really hang out much. Then soon came JAE and some friends left, and i remained in AA4 with almost an entire new class. Got a new name Bob/Bobby as people felt i looked like Bob the builder(i don’t). Didnt really spend much time with them at first and was still busy with the OG. After a while the OG kinda went seperate ways and i started to be around the class more. Actually, i dont really remember much of the class in J1, probably cos i wasnt spending much time with them. Most of the stuff i remember happened in J2, but we’ll get to that later.

Band in J1 was kinda interesting. PAE was spent going for all the random j1 dinner/outings. Stayed in a group with people like shermaine, kenneth and peishi and bitching about everyone else. I wont say it was the right thing to do, and it probably got me into lots of trouble and stuff like that, but it was still an effective bonding activity haha.  The group thing didnt last, but it was how i got to know shermaine anyway. After PAE when things settled down, i begun to talk to the J1s in the section. My J1 band days were spent talking about everyone else, haha. Sectionals/Breaks were with the section, percy, yanshan,zach and clara. Band practice was fun not because of the band, but because we were doing stupid things at the back. We thought of code names (i only remember snowflake and canadian pizza now) and had fun laughing at everything we could think of. Then came July and we were off to Switzerland-Austria. The trip would have been fun if not for the annoying ‘tea sessions’ we had at the hotels that gave me a whole new perspective about everything. Became band pres which compelled me to stop doing the things i was doing. The whole being band pres thing didnt really start off well for me, i was caught in stupid situations and asked to do stupid things by stupid people. Coming back from overseas, i entered the worst period of band life for me; immature people doing immature things and making things difficult for me. I was so pissed that i wanted to give up so bad. Luckily, i had people like shermaine, percy, emily and yanshan who i could complain to. Plus, it was only a few more months before the bane of my existence was gone so i just kept going.. 2009 came and things started to pick up.

As you can see, I excluded everything related to school work cos er, there really isnt much to say other than failing many of my subjects. Got A for PW and D for chinese. PW group was awesome and chinese was bad as usual. Well, I managed to make it to J2(barely) anyway.

So that was 2008.

part 2 will be up later.  =)

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all that unpublished stuff

i just checked and found out that i have about 20 unpublished entries, most of them halfway done. Don’t think im going to ever finish or publish them cos they are mostly er, highly impulsive and controversial stuff..

Anyway, prelims are almost over, i just have one paper left on monday. I don’t think i was as prepared as i wanted to, but i guess i gave it all i could with the time i had. I probably could have started a little earlier, but i was really unsettled about certain stuff so i couldn’t concentrate. I went over to my aunt’s place at exotic pasir ris to study the week prior to exams and i think time spent there was quite productive… but really really really really boring..

Well, the original plan was to go into ‘seclusion’ at her place for the one month of study break i’ll have, but i don’t know whether it’ll be a good idea cos i think i might go crazy there. Sure, it’s productive and all but im not sure one month of staring at my notes is going to do me any good. Plus im going to be away from the civilisation a.k.a jurong west, haha. Being at pasir ris means i have my breakfast, lunch, dinner ALONE and staying at home ALONE the whole day. Oh man.. even my inner anti social self isn’t sure whether i can take all that solitude without going insane…

That said, it’s a levels, so i guess we’re all meant to go crazy.

i actually think i know people like that...

the end of a chapter

MUSE – A Night to Remember 2009

Truly a night i’ll remember. The whole experience was something special. Words can’t express how much that night means to me, I think i’ll never forget what it felt like playing on stage. Perhaps it was the awesome music, perhaps it was the people around me, i’ll probably never figure it out. All i can say is, it was a good closure to my time here in ACJC Band.

I’ve been thinking about the day i step down from band for quite some time already. Even after all that mental prep, i could never prepare myself enough for the day. I told myself i wouldn’t get emotional, but i did. I told myself that I could leave the band without worry, but couldn’t. There still seemed to be much more i could do, more i could contribute, but i guess it’s too late now.

I do not doubt the ability of my juniors to be able to keep the band strong and going, but i worry for them and all that is to come. I guess it’s because I’ve been through the whole system and how things work, i know how frustrating things can get sometimes. I just pray that God will see them through whatever problems and obstacles they encounter, and that they are able to remain strong and united. I like the simplicity of things now, the innocence and all that happiness that stems from just being around each other. It pains me to know that they are going to be introduced to a whole new world. Yet, a part of me thinks that these kids are going to come out stronger than before. I’ve seen them grow into the awesome people they are now, and i hope that they will continue to grow even more as they step up and become seniors of their own.

To my J1s, i pray for all of you to stay united in the coming year. I pray that you guys will use the strong bonds that all of you have to your advantage, to use it to overcome any difficulty and struggles you encounter. Know that your seniors will always be there for you. You guys have something special going on, don’t let people take that away from you. I will always be looking on from the side and praying for all of you. May the year ahead be one of excitement and anticipation for all of you.

It has indeed been a difficult year, especially so for the J2s. For all that we’ve been through together and for the numerous ‘talks’ we had as a batch, i have never regretted being in the batch of 09. Perhaps there were many things lacking and other stuff we could have done better, but so what? We survived a year being seniors, worked hard together towards our concerts and SYF. We were blessed with wonderful juniors, helped them settled in and managed to leave a lasting legacy and big shoes for them to fill. Other people may think otherwise of us, but for all it’s worth, i think we did quite an impressive job with the band.

To the J2s, i pray that all of you continue to keep the AC Band spirit alive and well in your hearts. As we now shift our focus towards the A levels, i pray that we all remain healthy for the coming months and that we are able to achieve our set goals for our exams. It’s going to be a tough period of time ahead of us, and i pray that God will see all of us through. I thank all of you for the wonderful memories that you guys have given me. I will cherish and never forget them.

If God ever asks me whether i would want to do this all over again, i would not hesitate and say yes. If He asks me whether i would want to change anything, i would ask for everything to remain the same.

To ACJC Band,

I love you all

-Alson-

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reality sets in

well, camp’s over.

it didn’t matter that i had less than 2 hours of sleep, that i had to mop and clean up the school at 3am in the morning. This isn’t about me, it’s about them.

breaking camp was difficult today, i don’t know why also. The lack of sleep probably contributed to me being unable to express what i wanted to say clearly. I didn’t exactly get why i was so overwhelmed with emotions at that moment, but i guess the handover and ending of camp signifies the coming end of my term, of my journey here in the band. What a year it has been..

more thoughts soon, need sleep

flying kites

i figured i should post something cos my previous one was quite depressing. Anyway, i have somewhat gotten over the whole thing so i suppose that’s good.
Time really flies, i’m nearing the end of my term and i’ll soon be burying myself in books all day long. Seeing how the band has grown both musically and mentally has led me to think about the day i officially step down from my duties. What will be the fondest memory of my life in acjc band? When was my proudest moment? What will i take out of this entire journey?

It has truly been a roller coaster ride; ups and downs, challenges and obstacles, people and relationships, joy and sorrow. Personally, my greatest growth has been being able to be more sensitive towards people. It has never occurred to me how much sacrifice there has to be made in order for a team to grow and excel. I may not have enjoyed every single moment of my time, but for every stressful and annoying moment i had, there has always been an uplifting one too.

I’m starting to sound like i have left the band or something. There’s still one more month, many more things to do: interviews,camp,muse. God spoke to me last night about something; it doesn’t matter whether it’s one month or one year, it’s about making the best out of the time i have left.

He doesn’t think it’s too late to do anything…

watershed moment

I never expected myself to get emotional over this

I never realised how much this means to me

the significant moments of my life are ones i cherish the most, 6th May 2009 will definitely be a day i’ll never forget.

the last time i cried was coming to terms with the possibility that my father would never wake up, and yesterday i cried after coming out of that hall.

i don’t think i’ll ever find out what came over me that day; why did i get so emotional over coming in a bar earlier. I’ve made mistakes before during performances and competitions, why did this particular one mean so much to me?

i didn’t cry because we didn’t get our honours,

i cried knowing i didnt perform the best i could, i cried because i had let myself down, i cried because i disappointed people who were counting on me. i cried because i know this was one of the final moments i had left in the band…

i cried because i truly cared

‘God grant me the serenity to accept things i cannot change, the courage to change the things i can, and the wisdom to know the difference’

i cannot change the way things turn out, but i can change my perception of things to come.

lost time

it has been a really long time since i’ve been here, which is a good thing in some sense because i think i mentioned before that i only post when things get a little complicated in my life…

that said, these few months have been really really draining. I find that i have lesser time to do things i like, and im getting tired very easily. I rarely reach home before 9pm every other day and my life currently revolves around 25 dover close east. I spend more time in school than at home and  more time with friends than with my family. I only found out about the problems my mom had with her foot 1 week after she had an x-ray. I feel bad about not being able to spend more time with my family, about not being able to bring my mom to the doctor and not being there with her when she had her x-ray. I know the day will come when i regret not being able to do these things…

I had this talk with jeann about my family. Some way or another, i think i just needed to share with someone the things i’ve been bottling up within myself these couple of years. It isn’t about offering solutions and advice, its about listening and me knowing that someone cares enough to hear me out. I dont really know what made me talk to her about these very personal matters, but i think its the fact that i don’t feel like im being judged around her. I dont think its the quantity but the quality of time that you spend with a person that matters the most. There has certainly been lots of quality time spent these few weeks, i like them

3 months it has been, things have been moving really fast. Term exams, muse, syf, muse – a time to remember, prelims, a levels, that pretty much sums up what’s left of my life in acjc. I cant really sort out when i really want sometimes, i will probably miss this in the future, but now i just want to have a break from everything. I need strength, i need courage and i need my real life back…

‘But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint’

Isaiah 40:31